Danielle and April -- Daddy's narrative

Down to business

I know it's been a while, but I wanted to get this one down.

April too often doesn't stand up for herself. I worry about her being bullied.

Tonight, Danielle, April and I were playing Monopoly. We each had some houses down. Danielle made a grandiose scene. "I am buying all of the remaining houses and (slight pause for effect) hotels on Park Place AND Boardwalk." She smiled as the hotels were placed on her exquisite properties.

April responds. "I will also buy hotels for my properties."

"April," I said, "you're not usually competitive. Are you being competitive?"

"Yes," she responded in an unusually serious tone. "I can be harsh when I need to."

She went on. "What, you think I'm just a girl who sucks on lollipops and plays with flowers?"

I was dumbfounded.

Before we went back to the game, she added just one more solemn word. "Business!"

Something's not right

I was driving the girls to swim lessons yesterday, and Danielle asked if a parent can marry their child.

"No," I answered emphatically. "That's sick. You can't marry members of your family."

Danielle responded, "Eleanor Roosevelt was Franklin Delano Roosevelt's cousin."

Wondering if home schooling is a possibility, I backpedaled with an uninterprable sermon about "distant cousins" for long after Danielle realized she had won this round.

---

April proudly proclaims here new favorite word: "grotesque".

New kid in the class

April told me a new boy will be joining her class tomorrow.  His name is "John Michael".

I asked if Michael is his last name, but April was very clear that "John Michael" is his first name.

She sensed that I wasn't satisfied.

"He's from Texas", she said.  "That explains it."

Romantic dinner for two

At dinner tonight, Angie and I discussed that Valentine's Day is approaching and that we ought to decide where to go for dinner.

Danielle suggested that we leave it up to her.

"You'd probably pick McDonald's", I said.

"No", she responded, apparently somewhat offended.  "I wouldn't have suggested that."

April inserted herself.  "I know, Friendly's!"

Danielle replied, "That's what I was thinking!"

Bingo!

When Angie, April, Danielle and I went to Bingo Night last week at the school, we figured we'd have a good time.  But most of us didn't expect to win.  In a gymnasium full of people, it seemed pretty unlikely.

As adults won, they sent their child up to pick out the prize.

My card began to quickly fill up.  I foresaw the problem.

I asked Danielle if she were to win, could I go up to get the prize?  "No", she responded.

I asked April the same question.  She said I couldn't have the prize, but I could come up with her if she won.

My numbers were called, and I won.  I had to make the choice every twin parent dreads.  I went with April, explaining to Danielle my reasoning.

Danielle was a little bothered, but that went away when she won a couple of games later.  Her upset further receded when I won again and sent Danielle up.

So we're good.  Yet I expect Danielle to bring it up again someday.

Busy

I asked Danielle to come over to me, but she couldn't.

She explained why.  "I'm too busy staring at this wall."

After a brief pause, she shouted without moving.  "You blinked!"

 

Famous

This morning during breakfast with the girls, I began singing.  Horribly.  I think it was Greg Kihn Band.

When Danielle and April complained and covered their ears, I explained that a lot of people love my singing.  "I'm famous", I told them.

Danielle reminisced.  "You told us that before", she said, annoyed.

Recalling stars on late-night TV talking about how their kids don't realize they're any different from anyone else, I asked, "Well did you ever think it may be true?  Maybe I really am famous."

A pause. 

April asked whether checking this out on the computer would count toward her daily allotted time for TV and the computer.  I gave her a pass.  To the computer she went.

She googled my name.  Many links appeared.  Proof!  If the internet knows me, I must be famous in the mind of a 7-year old.

One link caught April's attention.  I think it was peoplesearch.com.  It showed a "Mike Gershman", 51 years old.  I could see April and Danielle's gears turning, so I cut in,  "Try Michael Gershman".

They did.  "See?", I pointed.  There I am.  41 years old, and there's Mommy's and Mom-Mom and Pop-Pop's names.

They were impressed.  But not yet convinced.

"Try looking for Mommy's name", one of them decided.

The outcome was the same, of course.  So they proved that I'm not famous. 

Danielle explained the logic.  "Well you can't BOTH be famous."

That rat

We're planning a vacation with some friends and were talking to April about who might watch her hamster, Bo-Bo, while we're away.  One of the other families has a girl about April's and Danielle's age.  Let's call her "Chrissy."

April says "I know who can watch Bo-Bo while we're away.  Chrissy!"

Angie and I stare at each other, then at April, saying nothing.  April notices, looks around for about 10 seconds, and says sheepishly, "Oh.".  Then, she leaves the room.

April returns with Bo-Bo. Angie holds him for a while.  Then Bo-Bo bit Angie.

Angie tells April to get "that rat" out of the room.

Danielle walks into the room.  Angie says "That RAT bit me!"

Danielle turns to me and asks accusingly, "You BIT her?"

 

Monster Manual

When I was a kid, I played Dungeons and Dragons.  That's right, I was super cool then too.

Unpacking some boxes, I came across a bag of my old D&D stuff.  I thought the girls might like some of it.  I picked out the Monster Manual and showed it to them one night before bed.  OK, I thought April might like it and that Danielle would be scared of it.

April and Danielle were both enthralled.  They immediately began to act as the monsters and play.  Over the next few days, one was a werewolf and the other a vampire.  Then they were dragons.  They talked about Medusa a lot.  Even now, a week or more later, they're still looking at the book and playing.  Jackpot!

April came to me after looking through the book for a while.  "Daddy," she said "there's one picture that I just can't take my eyes off.  The picture is so beautiful."  It was the succubus, the evil creature who lured men with her beauty.

Typical kid

Last week, April and Danielle were very excited to create their own fashion magazines.  On the Barbie website, you can make your own model, take some pictures of her, and print a fashion magazine. The girls made a dozen or more of the magazines, and they planned to "sell" them to their friends at school... for free.

A couple of their friends did have some interest, and they "sold" them a magazine.

April told me about a boy who wanted to "buy" all of the magazines.  I must have looked surprised, so she explained.

"He wanted to buy all of the magazines so he could draw mustaches on them and rip them up and stuff."

Memories

Ever since she could talk, Danielle has consistently maintained that she can remember being inside Angie's belly.  She tells the story that she came out first because April kept kicking her in there.

Over the weekend, Danielle was explaining to me what a great memory she has (she's right; her memory is impeccable).  As proof, she reminded me that she could remember being inside Mommy's belly.

Me: "What was it like inside Mommy's belly?"

Danielle: "Dark."

April enters the room.

Danielle: "April, remember when we were inside Mommy's belly?  You kept kicking me."

April: "Yeah, like this."  April kicks Danielle.

Both girls giggle.  Then April has a revelation.

April: "Danielle, let's pretend we're inside Mommy's belly again."

The girls roll around on the ground trying to kick each other, saying things like "Hey, you got me that time!", and "It's getting tight in here!"

Excel-lent

Over the summer, I set up a spreadsheet for Danielle and April to record their ratings of each summer activity they participated in.  Danielle opened up the spreadsheet today and asked why one part of it wasn't working.

I showed her, and then I explained that Excel can do math problems too.  I told her how: just type an equals sign and then the math problem, and like magic, it will tell you the answer.  I showed her the * key and told her that will it multiply.  "It knows the times tables?"  Danielle was blown away. 

She fooled around with it.  She entered "=100000000+88888888888888" or similar and got an answer like "8.88+E12".  She was confused, and I needed to explain scientific notation in terms a 7-year old could understand.  Or not.  I told her to enter smaller numbers.

"It works!", she shouted.  "Daddy, it really works!"

I needed to move on to other things, but I could still hear Danielle in the distance.  "Daddy, Daddy, it's doing it!"

Tell us what you really think

I called Angie tonight to tell her when I was leaving work.  Danielle answered Angie's cell phone.

Danielle's voice was cheery; she was in a very good mood.  That didn't prevent her from immediately complaining.

"Mommy was in the kitchen, listening to Greenday.  I hate Greenday.  They're HORRIBLE!  The music was so loud that it gave me a headache.  My headache really hurt.  When Mommy listens to her music too loud and I get a headache, it lasts 2 weeks!"

She went on like this for a while.

Later, we were out for dinner, and Danielle asked how to spell "Greenday".  She needed an answer to write in her structured diary, where she was asked to state the band she dislikes the most.

Those crazy teens

April and Danielle had their annual checkups last week, and fortunately, there were no medical surprises.

April noticed a sign in the doctor's office, saying that cell phones need to be turned off.

She commented, "Yeah, when teenagers are here, they're probably texting the whole time and not even listening to the doctor.  The doctor probably needs to text them if she wants to ask them a question, and they probably text her back the answer."

Perfect

Danielle was invited to a birthday party that was scheduled for today.  April was not invited.  This is good news; we strive for Danielle and April to have some different friends, so this is a natural outcome.

The party was in the neighborhood.  Angie was busy doing chores and the weather was perfect, so April and I walked Danielle to the party.

We could hear kids screaming from a block away.  They were obviously having loads of fun.

We dropped Danielle off to the party with the backyard carnival theme.  The bounce machine rental was in full force, and the tent containing backyard games like bean bags and elephant trunk toss was ready to go.

I was overwhelmed.  Danielle was ready for a day of fun.  April needed to turn around and come home with me.

I started talking to April before my thought was complete.  "We'll go home and then... uh, you'll have your dentist appointment."

I waited for April's reaction as we turned away from the party.  "I like going to the dentist", she replied, mercifully.  She went on.  "Going to the dentist is about the same to me as going to the party."

And so we walked home, had lunch, and went to the dentist.  April talked about the chocolate mint toothpaste they used, and she did seem to enjoy herself there.  The dentist said April's mouth looked great.  "April is perfect", he declared.

We went to pick Danielle up after the party.  April was interested in joining the festivities, but I had to stop her.  We were there to fetch Danielle, not for April to party.  She asked "Can I at least have some popcorn?"  I knew that wouldn't work.  I had to say no.

As we waited for Danielle, April saw a friend.  They hugged and lifted each other up, and then played some more.  April, Danielle, and I left, and I felt a little better.  Then I heard some shuffling and turned around.  April's friend ran out of the party, grabbed April, and had lifted her off the ground again.  They said good-bye.

I'm sure April's friend made April very happy.  In my eyes, picking April off the ground was truly uplifting, maybe even perfect.

Average

Danielle is a child who doesn't really like to eat so much.  She gets excited for chocolate and a few other goodies, but during most meals, she needs to be prodded.  She'll then take a bite and do what she can to avoid taking another one.  She comes home from school sometimes with only a few bites gone from her lunch.

She hears a lot of lectures on this topic.  She knows all about food making you stronger, for example.

Today, Angie purchased the Wii Fit for the girls.  The first step is to stand on the footpads.  It weighs you and gives you some statistics and comments.

When Danielle was weighed, the Wii Fit told her she was about average.  Danielle was pleased.  She now had the evidence she needed -- she doesn't need to eat more.  She's just like everyone else.

Tonight at dinner, Danielle ate very little.  Or perhaps it was about average.

What's the difference?

After the football game on Sunday, 60 Minutes came on.  Danielle was borderline disgusted.  "Why don't they just call it An Hour?"

---

Danielle's in the shower right now, singing on and on.

In her rambling, she sang this ditty.

"I don't care
About my hair."

I wondered what was going on.  Danielle paused for a while, then started up again.

"I care
About my hair."

Back to the drawing board

We're planning to move into a different house, and Angie and I are excited (and overwhelmed).  April and Danielle are less excited.

April claims she really doesn't care.  Moving is fine.  Staying would be fine too.  Whatever.

Danielle just doesn't see the benefit of moving.  She'd prefer to stay where she is.  One day, however, she became very excited to tell me that there is at least one good thing about moving.

She told me that the upstairs computer gives her problems sometimes when she's playing games on it.

There was an awkward pause until I explained that the computer is coming with.

And now we're back to having no reason to move.

The proof

Last night, Danielle and April had their first "activities" of the fall.  Angie and I agreed that they each needed something to do other than Girl Scouts.

April chose yoga.  She enjoyed her class -- she had already taken a one-week class over the summer.  I asked April how her class was, and she said it was a lot of fun.

Danielle selected ballet.  I asked her how it went.  "Bad", she said.

When I asked her why, she told me that they stretched the whole time and did no ballet moves.

I asked Danielle if she knew the difference between "positive" and "negative".  A positive person, I explained, is someone who thinks tomorrow will be a great day.  A negative person is someone who thinks tomorrow will be a bad day.

I asked Danielle which she is.  "Positive," she replied.

I asked April which she (April) is.  "Positive, but Danielle's negative."

"No I'm not!", shouted Danielle.  "You're negative."

April response: "See?  See?"

When the grass isn't greener

On Sunday, we attended the girls' baby cousin Logan's baptism.  There were other babies being baptized, including a set of triplets.

After the priest acknowledged each of the babies, I asked the girls if they caught what was going on.  They didn't.  I explained that 3 of the babies are triplets.

"Oh", April laughed.  "THAT's gonna be a lot of trouble."

Mama mia

Yesterday, Angie and I were working on freshening up the house to prepare it for sale.  I was painting in the kitchen.  It was time for lunch.  Angie wasn't hungry yet; with the kitchen in disarray, the girls and I ate outside.

Danielle sang the song "Mama Mia"; the one that goes like this, of course:

"Mama mia
Papa pia
Papa goes diarrhea."

"What?", I asked.  "That's not how it goes."

Danielle insisted it was correct.  Her source?  Mommy.

I argued that it should be:

"Mama mia
Papa pia
Baby went diarrhea."

Danielle wanted proof.

I told her that it only makes sense that each member of the family would be mentioned once.  "But there's two of us", she countered.  I said that it wasn't written about us.

I said that it's sensible that the baby is the one who went diarrhea.  Babies do that.  "But everyone knows that boys go poop more than girls", Danielle responded.

Danielle argued that the poem rhymes with "Papa" but doesn't rhyme with "Baby".  I explained that rhyming is based on how each line ends, not how it begins.  She disagreed.

We spent the entire lunch debating this.

April chimed in several times, also with her own unwavering perspective.  "This is stupid.  Why are we even discussing this?"

The best punishment

This morning, Angie witnessed April kick Danielle for no reason.  April was punished: she would have to play whatever Danielle wanted for the rest of the day.  Angie explained to April -- if Danielle wants to play Barbies, you'll play Barbies.  If she wants to watch TV, you'll do that.

Since that time, about 7 hours ago, the girls have been playing in the basement with their various toys -- the very toys we threaten to throw away because they never play with them.  They did break for lunch.

Danielle has always said that she only watches so much TV because April won't play with her.  Maybe, just maybe, she wasn't lying.

Piano

Angie and I bought a house!  We settle in November.

The current owners of the house offered to sell us their piano with thehouse.  Angie and I have been considering their offer.

As part of our consideration, we talked to the girls.  Danielle has been asking for a piano for a long time, and so we asked her first.

I asked if she would be interested in having a piano.  She said she would and that she's always wanted to play the piano.  I explained that to do so, she would need to take lessons.  That would mean sitting with an instructor and listening to the instructor and practicing on her own time.  It would require a lot of patience.  About that time, Danielle literally ran screaming from the room.  So much for patience.

As Danielle sulked in the living room, we called April in.  April has never said she has interest in the piano, but we figured we'd ask.  As it turns out, April is interested and would be happy to take lessons with an instructor. When asked if she would be willing to give up another activity to be able to play the piano, April said she would.  But April changes her mind a lot.  Constantly.

Danielle's many faces

Last night, Angie went to a concert.  Danielle was getting ready to brush her teeth when she pointed out that some of the wallpaper in the bathroom was torn away from the wall.  She said April did it.

I approached April hostilely; she denied any wrongdoing.  She was not terribly convincing.

I asked them both who did it.  Two denials.  I focused more on April and asked again.  Denial.  I gave them one last chance, and they both denied it still.

Later, I went to check on Danielle.  She was crying in the bathroom.  When I asked her why, she sobbed and said that she was going to take the blame for pulling off the wallpaper even though she didn't do it.  I asked her why she would take the blame if she didn't do it.  Danielle cried harder and said that she doesn't want April to get in trouble.

I consoled her.  She was calm later when she told me that Mommy probably tore the wallpaper because she was talking to the contractor about doing the bathroom.  Angie later confirmed that was true.

When brownies and ice cream aren't enough

We had a few friends and family over for a BBQ Saturday.  Danielle walked outside as Angie was grabbing dessert.  This conversation ensued.

Danielle: "Mommy, I made my decision."

Angie: "Let me guess, chocolate ice cream and brownie bites."

D: "No."

Angie (looking at the spread, seeing what else could even be a possibility): "What is it then?"

Danielle: "TWO brownie bites and LOTS of ice cream!  I said the same thing, but more!"